Ever wonder why some couples can calmly talk through a budget while others spiral into shouting matches over spending? Money disagreements are one of the top stressors for couples—but what if the way you learned about money as a kid could help keep those fights at bay? That’s the question Dr. Ashley Larsen Gibby and colleagues explored in their 2021 study.1 They looked at how both implicit and explicit childhood financial lessons affect couples’ ability to handle money disagreements in marriage. In this article, I’ll explain what they found, why it matters, and how your own childhood money experiences might be your secret weapon (or crutch to overcome) for smoother financial talks with your partner.
You might not remember every money talk your parents gave, but chances are, you remember how money felt in your home. First, let’s break down those terms. Explicit financial socialization means the money lessons you were taught directly—like your parents telling you to save your allowance or explaining how budgeting works. Implicit financial socialization happens more quietly—the behaviors you watched your parents model, like how they handled bills or whether money was a source of stress or calm in your home.2 Gibby and her team found that both types of childhood money socialization can influence how couples deal with financial disagreements. But here’s the interesting part: implicit lessons, or those subtle behaviors we pick up from our parents, may be even more important in helping couples avoid big fights.1 For example, if you saw your parents calmly discuss money and work through challenges as a team, you might be more likely to bring that same approach into your own relationship, making sure to respond with collaboration instead of conflict when money gets tight.
Think about it—money is emotional, and the way your family talked about and handled finances shapes how comfortable you are discussing money, how you solve problems, and even how you manage stress around finances. Both implicit and explicit financial lessons from childhood can play a role in how you handle money conflicts as an adult, but Gibby and her colleagues found that implicit lessons might carry even more weight. Couples who grew up with positive implicit lessons, like seeing calm money conversations or responsible spending habits, were better at navigating financial conflicts as adults.2 These early, repeated experiences often become your default setting for how you approach tough money conversations, making it easier to stay grounded under stress. Why? Because those day-to-day examples helped form what researchers call money scripts, deep-seated beliefs about money that operate almost automatically. These scripts are shaped over time by repeated emotional and behavioral experiences like watching your parents argue every payday or seeing them quietly prioritize saving before spending. Those unspoken patterns get internalized, guiding how you think, feel, and respond to money issues—often without you even realizing it.1
Explicit lessons, like being told to save part of your allowance or warned not to get into credit card debt, are still valuable. They give clear, actionable tools. But without healthy emotional modeling, those lessons might not show up during conflict. For example, someone might know they should talk to their partner before making a big purchase (thanks to an explicit lesson), but if they grew up seeing financial conversations turn into blow-ups, they might avoid the topic altogether or become defensive. That’s why implicit lessons—those everyday financial attitudes, values, and behaviors we absorb from watching—can be so powerful. They don't just teach us what to do with money, but how to feel and act when money gets hard to talk about.
Understanding where your financial attitudes come from can be empowering, especially in a relationship. For example, if you grew up in a family that avoided talking about money or fought about it often, you might feel more anxious, defensive, or avoidant when money issues arise with your partner. By recognizing these patterns, you can actively work to create healthier financial habits and communication styles in your relationship rather than struggling in isolation.1 Talking openly about money, setting shared goals, and learning from each other’s money backgrounds can protect your relationship from financial stress.2 And if you’re a parent, it’s worth thinking about not just what you say about money to your kids, but what you show them through your actions, because they’re watching, and those everyday moments will shape their money scripts.
Takeaways
- Notice Your Childhood Money Lessons.Reflect on the money habits and attitudes you absorbed growing up, both the things you were told and the behaviors you witnessed. This awareness can help you understand your reactions and choices in your relationship’s financial discussions. For example, if you panic when your bank balance gets low, ask yourself: Did I grow up seeing money as a constant source of stress?
- Communicate Openly with Your Partner.Share your financial histories and how they shape your money views. This helps build empathy and teamwork around finances instead of conflict. Try setting time aside each month to talk about financial goals and check in emotionally as well. Ask each other, “How did your family handle money, and how do you think that shows up for you now?”
- Model Healthy Financial Behaviors.Whether it’s budgeting together or calmly discussing expenses, your daily money habits shape your relationship’s financial health and will affect your children’s future financial health too. Remember, actions speak louder than words! Even small moments like discussing a grocery bill or celebrating achievement of a financial goal can show children that talking about money doesn’t have to be scary.
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1Gibby, A.L., Pettit, L., Hill, E.J., Yorgason, J. B., & Holmes, E. K. Implicit and explicit childhood financial socialization: Protective factors for marital financial disagreements. Journal of Family Economic Issues, 42, 225–236 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09695-8
2Gudmunson, C. G., & Danes, S. M. (2011). Family financial socialization: Theory and critical review. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 32(4), 644–667. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-011-9275-y