Money can do more than stress a relationship; it can quietly shape who holds power in a couple. But it doesn’t have to be a source of tension. A study by Dr. Xiaomin Li and colleagues examined how financial communication, power imbalances, and even “social sabotage” show up in different-gender couples in the U.S.1 Put simply, the way partners talk about money and make decisions together can either bring them closer or create subtle tension. The study highlights three key dynamics that shape relationships: how open communication fosters fairness, how power imbalances emerge when communication falters, and how certain behaviors can quietly undermine trust.
It’s not just about who earns more or pays the bills. The way couples communicate about money directly affects how fair and equal their relationship feels. Couples who talk openly and respectfully about money tend to feel like partners in life, make joint decisions more easily, and avoid resentment. On the flip side, avoiding financial conversations, mutual overspending, or controlling money behind the scenes can create tension that spreads into other parts of the relationship. Money conflicts show up in all sorts of ways—arguing over credit cards, debating who pays for what, or disagreeing about helping extended family. Even small decisions like splitting grocery costs or paying for date night can turn into repeated points of friction. How couples choose to handle these everyday situations can either build trust or slowly chip away at it.
Think about a couple saving for a house. If one person consistently makes major decisions without consulting the other, it can create feelings of imbalance or mistrust. Li and colleagues found that these situations sometimes turn into social sabotage, where one partner harms the other partner’s social relationships, social status, and/or feelings of belonging. Social sabotage can look like spreading rumors about one’s partner or criticizing one’s partner in front of others, and this is considered a form of abuse.1 So, over time, financial communication patterns have the potential to quietly erode trust, intimacy, and overall satisfaction—even leading to abusive behaviors—often without either partner realizing it. Even couples who feel generally happy can be affected because small, repeated imbalances that often build quietly until resentment shows up in other areas of the relationship. Recognizing these patterns early can make the difference between a small bump in the road and a long-term source of tension.
The good news is that awareness and intentional communication can stop these patterns before they take hold. Couples who intentionally talk about financial goals, spending priorities, and decision-making processes maintain a sense of fairness and partnership. Even small habits—like weekly “money talks,” agreeing on spending limits, or sharing responsibilities can prevent power imbalances and keep tension from creeping in. Li and colleagues also note that these behaviors aren’t always conscious.1 Sometimes one partner takes the lead on financial decisions because of habits, upbringing, or stress—not because they’re trying to dominate. The key is noticing these patterns and choosing collaboration over control. It’s not about blame, it’s about learning to work as a team.
Financial conversations aren’t just about dollars and cents—they’re about trust, respect, and partnership. Couples who communicate openly about money feel more equal, make decisions together more smoothly, and avoid behaviors that can undermine the relationship. Approaching money as a team, aligning on goals, and supporting each other make couples more resilient…even when life throws unexpected bills or student loans their way. Money conversations can even become opportunities for connection: sharing goals, celebrating small wins, and tackling challenges together can strengthen intimacy and trust. For example, one couple might create a shared vacation fund, talking through how much to save each month and adjusting together. This small, collaborative habit not only keeps their finances on track but also reinforces their sense of partnership and shared responsibility.
Takeaways
- Check your financial communication. How often do you and your partner talk about money? Are these conversations calm and collaborative or tense? Regular, open discussions prevent misunderstandings and power struggles.
- Share financial decisions. Avoid making big financial moves on your own. Ask: “What do you think about this?” Make sure both voices are heard and equally considered.
- Watch for subtle sabotage. Social sabotage can be unintentional, like discouraging a partner’s financial goals or controlling shared resources. Notice patterns early and discuss them openly.
- Build a partnership mindset. Money doesn’t have to be a competition. Share responsibilities, celebrate small wins, and support each other’s ability to be financially autonomous.
- Use money as connection. Find opportunities to collaborate on financial goals, even small ones, like planning a trip or setting up a shared savings account. These joint efforts build teamwork and trust.
References:
1 Li, X., Kong, D., Khan, M. A., LeBaron-Black, A. B., Holmes, E. K., James, S., & Yorgason, J. (2025). For richer, for poorer: Financial communication, power (im) balance, and social sabotage among US different-gender couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241313237