According to personal finance expert Rachel Cruze, “Money and marriage should go hand in hand.” Unfortunately, Cruze has also asserted that money is the number one topic that married couples argue about and the second cause of divorce behind infidelity.[1] With the significant impact of money on marriage, is there any good news for couples experiencing financial stress? Gratefully, yes!
In Kelly McGonigal’s 2013 TED talk, How to make stress your friend[2], she highlighted the meaning people attribute to stress (positive or negative) and the degree to which individuals tap into their social network for support as critical distinguishers between healthy or unhealthy outcomes from stress.
The family adjustment and adaptation response (FAAR) model[3] describes how families are in a continuous flow of adjustments as they strive for a sense of homeostasis, (aka their normal - whether it is a healthy or unhealthy normal). Demands on a family, including financial stressors, can thrust a family into disequilibrium if their present capabilities are insufficient to offset the pressure from financial strain and other present demands. When major adjustments are needed, some lead to unhealthy interactions and choices that cause overall harm (maladaptation), whereas other adjustments lead to positive change and growth (bonadaptation) for individuals and the family system.
Though it looks like a simple balancing act between demands and capabilities, another factor comes into play. The meaning families give to their circumstances has significant sway as well. Is the glass half empty or half full? Meaning is powerful! Thus, demands, capabilities, and meanings all play a role in family functionality.
Applying the FAAR model to McGonigal’s message, we find that those who experience a demand on their relationship can nonetheless experience healthy outcomes as they strengthen their capabilities by reaching out to others, and they can attach a positive meaning to their situation by viewing it with courage, optimism, and teamwork.
Married Couples
Dr. Jeff Dew and colleagues studied the impact of the 2007-2009 Financial Recession on married couples and identified four factors of dedication commitment that helped couples not only stay married but even thrive in their marriage during financial stress.[4] These four factors were: (1) seeing their union as sacred (religious marital sanctification that comes through prayer and other joint religious activities), (2) mutual respect, warmth, and affection (relationship maintenance behaviors), (3) social support (having family and friends encourage and support the relationship), and (4) financial support from family and friends.
Unmarried Couples
Because the study by Dew and colleagues only considered married couples, Dr. LeBaron-Black and her team studied relationship outcomes during financial stress among low-income, unmarried couples.[5] LeBaron-Black identified three factors that helped one or both of the partners to experience bonadaptation in their commitment to one another: women’s health insurance, women’s relationship maintenance behaviors, and men’s relationship maintenance behaviors. LeBaron-Black identified seven factors that helped one or both of the partners to experience bonadaptation in their experience as coparenting partners: women’s health insurance, women’s financial support, men’s financial support, women’s relationship maintenance behaviors, men’s relationship maintenance behaviors, women’s perceived support network for financial support, and women’s relationship happiness. While numerous capabilities and positive meanings helped these couples to experience financial demands with healthy adjustment, the research shows that the predictors of healthy adjustment in coparenting were greater than the predictors of healthy adjustment in relational commitment.
Comparison of Two Studies: Married versus Unmarried Couples
In both Dew’s and LeBaron-Black’s research, couples with financial support and relationship maintenance behaviors were likely to experience relational growth from financial stressors. However, some unmarried, low-income couples faced additional challenges that could undermine an otherwise positive outlook or even destabilize the couple dynamic. These challenges included lack of health insurance, previous partners being in the picture due to shared parenting responsibilities, and even the negative psychological impact on unmarried men when their partner received financial support from her friends and relatives (likely due to the stereotype that it is men’s responsibility to financially provide).
Conclusion
As Lesley Lawson Botez said, “Money can be a source of tension in a marriage, but it can also be a catalyst for growth and collaboration.”[6] While relationship maintenance behaviors and financial support can help all couples experience positive change from financial stress, the meaning we attach to our demands and the way we and loved ones view both the couple relationship and the coparenting dynamic can make all the difference in whether the couple experiences healthy or unhealthy adjustment.
Takeaways
1. Evaluate the meaning attached to financial stress. When we find something positive in our situation, we are better equipped to reframe the struggle as a challenge we are ready to meet. Maybe stressful experiences, including financial stress, can help you and your partner grow closer together.
2. For religious couples, view your marriage as sacred. Specifically, Dew et al. (2018) found that couples gain a great deal of strength and support in their financial difficulties through prayer.
3. Do small acts of service and affection for your partner. The emotional strength spouses offer one another helps financial stress be a steppingstone instead of a stumbling block. Show and expect respect. Be dependable and choose a partner on whom you can depend in your time of need. Give and receive love and affection.
4. Identify and utilize your community. This includes reaching out to loved ones. Connection with friends and/or family provides a rich outlet for empathy and social support, which empowers the couple experiencing stress and mitigates feelings of facing financial stress alone. This also includes utilizing government, nonprofit, and church programs and resources. It lessens the burden of financial stress, allowing the challenge to be a catalyst for relational growth.
References:
[1] Cruze, R. (2023, September 29). Money and marriage: 7 tips for a healthy relationship. Ramsey Solutions. https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/the-truth-about-money-and-relationships.
[2] McGonigal, K. (2013, June). How to make stress your friend [Video]. TED Talks. Retrieved September 6, 2023, from https://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend/transcript.
[3] Patterson, J. M. (2002). Integrating Family Resilience and Family Stress Theory. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(2), 349–360. http://www.jstore.irg/stable/3600109
[4] Dew, J. P., LeBaron, A. B., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Can stress build relationships? Predictors of increased marital commitment resulting from the 2007–2009 recession. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 39(3), 405–421. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-018-9566-7.
[5] LeBaron, A. B., Curran, M. A., *Li, X., Dew, J. P., Sharp, T. K., & Barnett, M. A. (2020). Financial stressors as catalysts for relational growth: Bonadaptation among lower-income, unmarried couples. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 41(3), 424-441. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09666-z.
[6] Botez, L. L. (2023, March 22). Author. Fsmstatistics.fm. https://fsmstatistics.fm/money-and-marriage-quotes/.