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Gold is the money of kings;[i]
First, let’s discuss relational power. Simply put, it is the level of influence a person has over their partner.3 In a marriage, shared relational power implies both spouses have a high level of influence over each other, and therefore both spouses have a high level of power and authority in making decisions together regarding all aspects of their marriage.4 It is a form of equal partnership. Research has found that couples with equal amounts of shared relational power tend to have more satisfying and stable marriages, likely due to increased intimacy, respect, love, and trust in their relationship.3,4
However, couple finances is one area of marriage where issues of shared relational power may be greater. LeBaron-Black conducted two studies, the first of which focused on established couples averaging 18 years of marriage and explored how four financial processes (financial earners, financial access, financial management/decision-making, and financial conflict) influenced martial satisfaction and stability through an increase in shared relational power.3 A second study built upon that research but focused on newlyweds averaging 4-5 years of marriage and included a fifth financial process, financial deception.4 Both studies found that having a high level of shared relational power was associated with an increase in marital satisfaction and stability, but that relational power, marital satisfaction, and marital stability decrease when couples do not have shared financial decision-making or when there is high financial conflict.
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With a growing cultural and marital shift towards dual income couples, many couples report that they have separate bank accounts.[v]
Takeaways:
1. Discuss your individual and/or joint financial goals. Talking about finances is hard, especially if you don’t feel like you know much about managing money or are struggling with other financial issues. Breathe, it’s okay. Start small with a 10–15 minute discussion with your spouse about what your couple financial goals are. Is it to save more money, pay off your house, put your kids through college, or just pay your bills on time? Another short conversation might be about what you have learned regarding money from your parents, your life experience, etc. Identify differences and commonalities you have when it comes to money management and discuss if those patterns are helping you reach your marital goals or not. One resource you might consider is the Together Program
2. Practice financial transparency. Whether you decide to have joint, separate, or joint and separate bank accounts (FYI: research3 suggests joint bank accounts are best for most marriages), consider discussing what financial deception may look like in your relationship (such as secret credit cards, bank accounts, or debt, or hiding purchases).4 What factors (like trust, respect, communication, conflict avoidance, punishment, etc.) are influencing your current level of transparency, and how is it impacting your relationship? What are some ways both you and your partner can practice being more open and honest about how you manage your money? Perhaps you could consider giving both spouses equal access to all bank accounts, go over your purchase receipts together, or make a rule to discuss any purchase over a certain amount together before buying it. If you struggle with financial transparency, consider making an appointment to visit with a financial therapist
3. Promote shared influence and joint decision making. Like many aspects of marriage, promoting financial equity is going to require healthy communication and patience as you navigate how best to promote an equal partnership in your marriage. Start by ensuring that both partners have equal access to all financial information so you both can be fully informed of your financial situation. When financial arguments come up, focus on working together to find a solution. Both spouses should be actively involved in financial management and ensure that you both agree with what’s going to happen. Remember, it’s not about you or your spouse, my money and their money. It’s both of you together making the decisions about your money and marriage.
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References:
[i]
[ii]
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