Couples experience conflict about various topics, from work-life balance to sex. Amidst these heated debates, there is one topic that consistently appears as a common ground for disagreement and a powerful emotional trigger: money.[1] It is common knowledge that finances can affect relationships. This is more relevant than ever today as financial stress is at its highest level in nearly a decade.[2] Whether you are dating, married, or cohabiting, financial satisfaction can have an impact on your relationship satisfaction. Dr. Casey Totenhagen and colleagues put this to the test, conducting research where couples recorded how they felt financially (like what do you feel is the level of your financial stress today?) and relationally (like how satisfied, content, and happy are you with your relationship?) every day for two weeks.2 It is no surprise that as financial satisfaction fluctuates, so does relationship satisfaction. To add to this, gender also has an impact! So, what does all this mean for you and your relationship? Let’s get into more specifics!
Dating or Cohabiting Couples:
Results showed:
- Unmarried men reported decreased relationship satisfaction on days they were more financially satisfied.
- For unmarried women it was the opposite; when they experienced financial satisfaction, their relationship satisfaction increased.
- Interestingly, on days when female partners felt more financially satisfied than usual, male partners reported higher relationship satisfaction.
These findings could offer insight for individuals that are dating or cohabiting. It’s crucial to consider age as a factor influencing this relationship dynamic. The average age of participants in the study was 30 years old, and younger couples may be more focused on financial stability rather than relationship satisfaction.2 It’s kind of surprising that unmarried men’s higher satisfaction with money equated to less satisfaction in relationships, while for unmarried women, being financially satisfied meant happier relationships. This could be attributed to the general focus of unmarried men on financial satisfaction, as they prioritize personal finance over relational aspects. Conversely, women feel more secure in the relationship when they feel financially satisfied, viewing financial satisfaction as important to their investment in the relationship. These differences in perspective and priorities influence how financial satisfaction impacts relationship satisfaction. Totenhagen and colleagues suggested that this could be due to men being societally taught that if they are more financially successful, they are more attractive to women2. Perhaps a decrease in relationship satisfaction comes from the societal pressure for men to provide. In fact, researchers found that men in committed relationships view their money as a collective couple resource regardless of their plan to cohabitate in the future.[3] This suggests that in any committed relationship, whether cohabiting or not, men feel the expectation to be the breadwinner for the couple. Women’s satisfaction could be attributed to feeling good about financially contributing to their relationship, which can take some of the pressure off their partner. Additionally, they may get a sense of fulfillment from knowing they are contributing to the collective well-being of the relationship.
Takeaway for Dating or Cohabiting Couples:
· These insights guide us to reconsider societal expectations and gender norms surrounding finance and relationships and emphasize the need for open communication and mutual understanding in building a fulfilling partnership. By openly communicating about finances, individuals can cultivate healthier and more resilient relationships. Have conversations about your future financial goals, as well as where you are financially now. Talk about money habits and why these habits are important to you. This will increase greater understanding if/when it finally comes time to combine finances!
Married Couples:
Results showed:
- Married women that experienced financial stress experienced a decrease in relationship satisfaction.
- High financial satisfaction didn’t really make a difference in relationship satisfaction for married men and women.
These findings have many implications for marriage and finances. First, married couples are more likely than unmarried couples to view finances as shared.[4] Perhaps it is the legal and emotional bond of marriage that creates a sense of unity and mutual responsibility for the success of the couple. These factors may affect how finances affect the couple’s relationship overall, as there is greater trust and commitment over time.[5] Second, it is interesting to note that, overall, women reported greater fluctuations in financial satisfaction compared to men, regardless of marital status. Despite this finding, financial stress levels for women remained consistently high. This could be explained by prior research[6] that shows how there are gender differences in overall financial well-being. Historically, women have experienced less employment stability[7] and have earned less than their male partner.[8] This may be why financial satisfaction and financial stress may have a greater effect on women than on men.
Takeaways for Married Couples:
· While financial satisfaction may not necessarily contribute to increased relationship satisfaction, financial stress can significantly decrease it, particularly for married women. Once again, communication about finances can help strengthen a couple’s relationship and reduce financial stress for women.
· Viewing finances as shared within a marriage is a protective factor against financial satisfaction, affecting relationship satisfaction.
Overall Takeaways for All Couples:
Whether you are dating or married, financial satisfaction can impact your relationship. So, what can we do about it? Here are a few tips:[9]
● Be honest. Keeping financial secrets from your partner will end up worse in the long run. Being honest from the beginning will help your partner feel greater trust and connection.
● Be aware of where and when to have financial conversations. Depending on circumstances, it may not be helpful or beneficial to bring up a financial conversation (for example, if you or your partner are tired, hungry, or distracted). Look for times when you and your partner are in the headspace to talk about finance and are in a comfortable, non-stressful atmosphere to do so.
● Focus on your shared goals. Having shared financial goals as a couple can look different depending on your relationship status and individual needs. It is important to talk about what each partner expects with finances and come up with goals to stay connected long term.
● Google, Google, Google. Don’t be afraid to learn more information if you need to! Financial knowledge can help to relieve some stress surrounding financial topics. Do some research as a partnership so that you can have a meaningful conversation and make decisions that you are both comfortable with.
References:
[1] Mellan, O., & Piskaldo, K. (1999, January 1). Men, women, and money. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199901/men-women-and-money
[2] Totenhagen, C. J., Wilmarth, M. J., Serido, J., & Betancourt, A. E. (2018). Do day-to-day finances play a role in relationship satisfaction? A dyadic investigation. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 528–537. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000406
[3] Lyssens-Danneboom, V., & Mortelmans, D. (2014). Living apart together and money: New partnerships, traditional gender roles. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 76, 949 –966. http://doi.org/10.1111/jomf .12136
[4] Hamplová, D., Le Bourdais, C., & Lapierre-Adamcyk, É. (2014). Is the
cohabitation–marriage gap in money pooling universal? Journal of Marriage and the Family, 76, 983–997. http://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12138
[5] Swensen, C. H., & Trahaug, G. (1985). Commitment and the Long-Term Marriage Relationship. Journal of Marriage and Family, 47(4), 939–945. https://doi.org/10.2307/352337
[6] DePianto, D. E. (2011). Financial satisfaction and perceived income
through a demographic lens: Do different race/gender pairs reap different returns to income? Social Science Research, 40, 773–783. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.11.004
[7] Hollister, M. (2011). Employment stability in the U.S. labor market: Rhetoric versus reality. Annual Review of Sociology, 37, 305–324. http://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-soc-081309-150042
[8] U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2015). Monthly labor review. https://data.bls.gov/timeseries/LNS14000000
[9] Fidelity Viewpoints. (2022, July 13). How couples can talk about money and finances. https://www.fidelity.com/learning-center/personal-finance/communication-tips-couples#:~:text=Focus%20on%20your%20shared%20goals&text=Instead%20of%20drawing%20up%20battle,of%20purpose%20to%20rally%20behind