Ratatouille. Have you ever tasted it? Perhaps you’ve heard of it. This humble dish dates back to the 1700s in the Southeastern region of France—Provence, specifically. Ratatouille was born out of necessity as the farmers could not let anything go to waste. Onions and tomatoes are sautéed in a pot with a drizzle of olive oil, joined by fresh chopped bell peppers, zucchini, eggplant—or any other vegetable one can scour. Once the veggies have danced around for a bit, everything in the pot is stewed together with a bundle of dried herbs to make a delicious, hearty dish. When making Ratatouille, timing and quality ingredients are vital.
Like Ratatouille, timing and quality are also important when making financial conversation with your partner! In fact, timing and quality may be the right recipe for more happiness in your relationship. Saxey and colleagues found in their recent study that bringing up finances early on in your relationship may keep financial arguments on the backburner.[1]
When a couple is willing to vulnerably discuss their finances while their relationship is still developing, they are more likely to build the necessary skills to talk about tough financial situations.1 Though you may realize that you and your significant other have different financial values from the get-go, addressing opinions upfront may prove to be a better alternative than arguing over a financial fiasco later on.
Financial arguments can be detrimental to any relationship and can lead to separation more often than other forms of couple conflicts, including arguments about sex and in-laws.[2] If you find that talking about finances with your love can get pretty messy, know that you’re not alone. Financial stress is quite common, especially among those who are transitioning to adulthood, independence, and family life.1 To prevent conflict, it may be helpful to set “house rules” during your financial discussions, such as not raising your voice or eliminating distractions such as the TV or your phone.[3] Discussing finances is not often easy, but as you and your partner manage to find a way to do so while minimizing conflict, you will be more likely to build conversational skills that will serve as a catalyst to strengthen your relationship.1
Still, you may come across troubling thoughts while talking about money with your partner, especially if it’s your first time. You may wonder, Do we make a budget? What are our financial goals? What is worth spending our money on? And so on. Joyce Marter, a personal finance specialist and psychotherapist, offers the following tips to help you and your partner spice up the quality of your financial discussions:
First, determine where you and your partner want to keep your money: You could pool it in the same bank account, pool some money but have personal funds too, not pool your money at all, etc. (Research suggests that for most couples, pooling your money in the same bank account is best for marital quality, satisfaction, and stability.) If you have some or all of your money pooled together, it may be helpful to budget as a couple! Budgets help identify and limit unnecessary spending. Joyce also suggests making sure your partner has access to the shared budget to avoid any toxic power dynamics in your relationship, especially in the case where one partner is completely financially dependent on the other.4
In addition to being open about your budget, open communication is most often a staple ingredient for happier marriages. Financial deception or a lack of financial transparency can be detrimental to your relationship and break your partner’s trust.4 You may want to consider setting “house rules” during financial conversations to minimize conflict. Here are some examples: “always be honest,” “no raising your voice,” and “eliminate all distractions; turn off the TV, your phone, etc.” 4
Conclusion
If talking about finances as a couple isn’t an established habit, that’s okay! It is worth considering how regular financial discussions could benefit your relationship. Building those healthy communication muscles by making financial discussions a priority might work wonders for your relationship. You and your partner will likely have differing financial views, but kneading through your differences—especially doing so early on—is likely to fortify your relationship.1 As you spice up your financial discussions by focusing on timing and quality, you will be more likely to avoid the detrimental impacts that financial arguments can have on a relationship.
Takeaways
· Build the habit of discussing finances in your relationship. You may find that discussing finances as a couple is not an easy skill to build, which is why it is crucial to build the habit as soon as you can in your relationship, even if you’ve already been together for a while.1 You may find that developing this habit will help you work through more complex financial problems later on, strengthen your relationship, avoid financial conflict, and lessen your chance of divorce or separation.
· Consider pooling your money and creating a shared budget. Remember that several studies have found that couples who pool their money tend to have higher marital quality and satisfaction and are less likely to divorce. Also, you may want to consider creating a budget together by searching “Free online budget planner for couples” on your browser; you’ll likely find a budgeting template that works for both of you!
· Talk about your finances openly as a couple. Avoid keeping financial secrets from your partner and consider setting rules during your financial conversations to avoid conflict. This will help you avoid divorce and separation.2, 4
References:
[1] Saxey, M. T., LeBaron‐Black, A. B., Inman, N. F., Yorgason, J. B., & Holmes, E. K. (2024). The earlier couples first discussed finances, the better? A dyadic, longitudinal replication and extension. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.13030
[2] Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61, 615-628. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x
[3] Singletary, M. (2023). Four rules to make talking about money with your honey easier. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2023/02/10/money-talk-partner-love/
4 Marter, J. (2022). Four financial topics to discuss before moving in together. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202210/4-financial-topics-to-discuss-before-moving-in-together