Finances will always be an important topic for couples. Dr. Heather Kelley and colleagues recently studied how spouses’ perceptions of each other’s financial behavior are linked to marital well-being.[1] They found that how a couple views each other’s spending decisions can impact their relationship. Specifically, perceiving one’s partner as a spender negatively impacted marital satisfaction, commitment, and power for both spouses. In addition, viewing one’s partner as a saver was detrimental for the marital commitment and power of each spouse.1 This article will explore more of Kelley’s findings and discuss couple dynamics and perceptions as they relate to spending, saving, and communicating about money.
To gain more clarity about spending and saving, let’s discuss an important concept: The Pain of Paying. Pain…of paying? Yes. Some people experience real psychological distress when contemplating spending money, making a purchase, or reflecting on a past spending decision.[2],[3] The degree of pain one feels under any of these circumstances is indicative of their level of “saver” or “spender.” Spenders generally do not experience pain when paying, so they continue spending. On the other hand, savers often experience significant pain when paying, so they continue saving.3,[4]
In either case—whether you see yourself as a spender or saver—it is important to lean into moderation. Being a spender or saver is not inherently good or bad—these tendencies simply describe different spending habits which often result from various life experiences and background. Both types of people can bring value to a relationship when differences are acknowledged and channeled for good. Savers often think ahead and aim to be prepared for the future financially. This adds stability and peace of mind to a relationship. Spenders tend to recognize the value of investing in experiences throughout life which can strengthen a couple’s relationship.
In addition to the way you see yourself and how you manage money, how you view your partner’s money management is associated with both your own and your partner’s marital well-being.4 For this reason it is important to truthfully acknowledge your own financial behaviors as they are and strive to do the same for your partner. Financial conflict often arises simply because we do not understand each other or each other’s spending decisions. It is crucial to talk to each other about finances often. Seek to understand your partner’s point of view when you disagree and remember to work as a team. Seek to understand and improve your own financial habits and be gentle and kind as you learn about your spouse.
Takeaways:
- Aim for Moderation. Whether you see yourself as a spender or a saver, work on finding and maintaining a healthy balance between spending and saving. Learn about your personal spending tendencies and how they affect how you show up in relationships. If you are not satisfied with your current financial situation, make changes!
- Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood. Talk to your partner often and strive to understand differences in how you value money. Look for and focus on the good. This can help you acknowledge and appreciate your differences. Spenders and savers can both play an important role in a relationship and contribute varying skills and perspectives to money management.
- Hold Financial Meetings Regularly. Keep channels of communication open between you and your partner. Schedule time to discuss finances regularly. This could be every week or every month—just be sure to make and keep this commitment. You can use this time to go over a family budget and discuss personal needs, wants, and views about money. Remember, you are on the same team. Choose to work together!
If you’re interested in learning more about the spender/saver dynamic within relationships—check out this book![5]
References:
[1] Kelley, H. H., Chandler, A., LeBaron-Black, A. B., Li, X., Curran, M. A., Yorgason, J. B., & James, S. (2022). Spenders and tightwads among newly married couples: Perceptions of partner financial behaviors and relational wellbeing. Journal of Financial Therapy, 13(1), 20–38. doi.org/10.4148/1944-9771.1288
[2] Rick, S. (2018). Tightwads and spendthrifts: An interdisciplinary review. Financial Planning Review, 1(1-2), Article e1010. doi.org/10.1002/cfp2.1010
[3] Prelec, D., & Loewenstein, G. (1998). The red and the black: Mental accounting of savings and debt. Marketing Science, 17(1), 4–28. doi.org/10.1287/mksc.17.1.4
[4] Britt, S. L., Hill, E. J., LeBaron, A. B., Lawson, D. R., & Bean, R. A. (2017). Tightwads and spenders: Predicting financial conflict in couple relationships. Journal of Financial Planning, 30(5), 36-42.
[5] Rick, S. (2024). Tightwads and spendthrifts: Navigating the money minefield in real relationships. St. Martin’s Press.