In their recent article, Couple-Level Attachment Styles, Finances, and Marital Satisfaction: Mediational Analyses Among Young Adult Newlywed Couples, Dr. Xiaomin Li and colleagues analyzed how relationships, finances, and attachment styles interconnect.[1]
Romantic attachment styles reflect how someone feels about themselves and about their partner. Anxious, avoidant, and secure are three popular attachment styles. An anxious attachment looks like low self-esteem, high need for reassurance, and high dependence on one’s partner, whereas avoidant attachment is demonstrated thorough distance and independence to an unhealthy degree. Comparatively, secure attachment looks like confidence in yourself and your relationship, less fear, and greater safe and stable feelings. Approximately 14% of all US citizens report having an anxious attachment style and 19% report having an avoidant attachment style.
The more positively or negatively someone feels about themselves and their partner can affect how satisfied they are within their relationship. For example, an anxious partner, with poor self-view, may feel more concerned about their partner leaving them, which often leads to them feeling anxious about spending enough time with their partner and almost complete dependence on their partner to meet their emotional needs. An avoidant partner, on the other hand, may push people away when they get too emotionally close, sabotaging otherwise happy and close relationships and demonstrating stronger independence and less trust in their partner.[2] Also, if a couple’s attachment style conflicts with one another,[3] this often results in lower relationship satisfaction.
Attachment also affects couple finances! Couples who both have secure attachment styles are more likely to have comfortable, open financial discussions with one another. Securely attached people usually demonstrate trust in their own and their partner’s abilities. This leads to role clarification and increased capability in both partners to manage finances.[4] Alternatively, partners who are highly avoidant might withdraw from talking with their partner, causing fewer discussions about finances in the relationship, and might be prone to distrust their partner and assume their partner isn’t managing finances well. Similarly, highly anxious partners may struggle with their finances because they need reassurance, they’re dependent on their partner to make decisions, and they often spend too much money to cope with their anxiety.
Finances affect couple relationships! Recent research has found that people tend to be happier in marriage when they enact healthy financial management, and when they view their partner as being a good money manager.[5] This includes behaviors like making goals, paying bills on time, budgeting, etc. Couples who are less responsible with their money reportedly felt an increase in relationship distress,[6] whereas other couples who felt increased relationship satisfaction had learned and applied responsible financial management strategies.[7] Putting it all together, those with a secure attachment style are more likely to be responsible money managers and to view their partner as a good money manager, and so are more likely to have a happy relationship.
Takeaways
Research can help us know how to change our behavior for the better. Here are two takeaways from this research that can assist couples in increasing their relationship satisfaction:
1. Think well of your partner. Those who think their partner is a bad money manager tend to be less happy in their relationship. And, interestingly, negative perceptions of one’s partner often don’t align with the partner’s self-report of their money management. To combat this issue, partners could set financial goals together and practice positive affirmation with one another. This will help facilitate clear communication and root out any inaccurate assumptions about each other’s financial behaviors.
2. Focus on the “we” rather than the “me”. People who focus solely on themselves are more likely to be unhappy in their relationship. When it comes to finances, couples should work together to create budget and spending plans. Together, they can create goals and practice good money management behaviors. This will assist them in focusing on the “we” rather than the “me” of a relationship. Ultimately, they will be able to focus on the well-being of their partner and their relationship to increase relationship happiness. Seeing a couples therapist may be beneficial to some couples as they gain the skills to recognize negative habits and build new habits to increase relationship satisfaction.
3. If you have an insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment style, seek healing. There are so many personal and relational benefits of having a secure attachment style. Although attachment styles usually stay the same from when you were a baby and throughout your life, you can achieve what’s called an “earned secure” attachment style—that means you had an insecure attachment style and had to earn your secure attachment.[8] This can be done with help from a therapist and by nurturing healthy close relationships. You can re-wire your brain to deeply believe that you are worthy and loveable and that you can count on other people to be reliable and safe.
Summary
According to recent research led by Dr. Xiaomin Li, it is not impossible for couples with anxious or avoidant attachment styles experiencing financial difficulties to be happy and united in their relationship and finances. Although attachment style influences the communication and interaction between partners, one person’s attachment style does not define how they will handle finances indefinitely. Couples can work together to build new habits. The study underscores the importance of positive perceptions of one’s partner, collaborative financial management, and seeking healing from insecure attachment styles to address negative habits and foster healthier relationship dynamics and relationship satisfaction.
[1] Li, X., Curran, M.A., LeBaron-Black, A.B. et al. Couple-Level Attachment Styles, Finances, and Marital Satisfaction: Mediational Analyses Among Young Adult Newlywed Couples. J Fam Econ Iss 44, 125–142 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-021-09808-x
[2] Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2012). Adult attachment orientations and relationship processes. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 4, 259–274. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2012.00142.x
[3] Fournier, B., Brassard, A., & Shaver, P. R. (2011). Adult attachment and male aggression in couple relationships: The demand-with- draw communication pattern and relationship satisfaction as mediators. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 26, 1982–2003. https:// doi.org/10.1177/0886260510372930
[4] Romo, L. (2015). An examination of how people in romantic relation- ships use communication to manage financial uncertainty. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 43, 315–335.
[5] Dew, J., Barham, C., & Hill, E. J. (2021). The longitudinal associations of sound financial management behaviors and marital quality. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 42(1), 1–12. https://doi-org.byu.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09701-z
[6] Conger, R. D., Conger, K. J., & Martin, M. J. (2010). Socioeconomic status, family processes, and individual development. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 685–704.
[7] Zimmerman, K. J., & Roberts, C. W. (2012). The influence of a financial management course on couples’ relationship quality. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 23(2), 46–54.
[8] Fletcher, H. K., & Gallichan, D. J. (2016). An overview of attachment theory: Bowlby and beyond. Attachment in intellectual and developmental disability: A clinician’s guide to practice and research, 8-32.