Married life can be a rollercoaster with ups, downs, and unexpected turns along the way. While couples might hope their finances stay stable throughout their marriage, history is full of examples of big, unexpected financial challenges for families across the United States. Instances include the Great Depression in the 1930’s, the Great Recession in 2008, and most recently the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020. Other unexpected changes or disturbances happen to individual families such as the loss of a job, increases in living expenses, or the addition of a new child. The financial wellness of a couple—the level of stress or satisfaction in their financial situation—can be affected with each twist and turn of life.
Financial wellness in a relationship can vary over time and can be measured through the couple’s feelings about and reactions to their financial situations.[1] Some studies show that finances can be one of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage.[2] Others find that communication greatly influences marital satisfaction.[3] These two separate findings prompted a study asking the question: When financial situations change and financial well-being is at stake, how does the way a couple communicates affect their relationship?
A study by Dr. Melissa Wilmarth and colleagues explored this question and found that the way we communicate about finances with our spouse can indeed affect the satisfaction we feel in our marriages.[4] Their study provided evidence suggesting that marital satisfaction declines in response to decreased financial wellness if couples have negative communication patterns (e.g., one or both partners avoid discussions, or spouses blame and criticize one another). In other words, when there are unexpected financial challenges, big or small, communication can make or break a relationship. Therefore, when these unexpected and potentially life changing challenges come, it is important that couples find ways to adapt to a new normal together without negative communication patterns. This is in part because there doesn’t seem to be a communication pattern in between positive and negative. If positive patterns are not intentionally used, negative patterns may take over communication in relationships and potentially create issues. In contrast, positive communication patterns can be an amazing tool to help couples work through and adapt to financial hardships.
Practicing positive and healthy communication requires continual patience and learning. But what does positive communication look like? Wilmarth and colleagues tested three positive communication patterns within the study that could act as a guide for couples: discussion, expression, and negotiation.[5] These might help couples’ communication about finances and other issues.
Each of these positive communication patterns requires both partners to participate. This can be difficult for some trying to do their part when their other half cannot or will not participate. If you are in this situation, keep trying to do your own part the best you can and, if needed, seek professional help to improve the communication in your relationship.
Takeaways
1. Actively seek to have discussions with your partner.5 Healthy and positive communication starts with talking to each other. If either partner, or even both, refuse to discuss financial experiences and changes with the other, it can develop into problematic behaviors. Negative patterns of communication, such as avoidance, could take over. How is a couple supposed to communicate if they never even talk? One way you might seek to discuss finances with your partner is to set aside time each week where both partners are willing to talk about the budget and other financial matters.
2. Freely express your feelings with your partner.5 When talking about finances, and in general, both partners should express their feelings to one another. Spouses should work hard to be open and clear about their thoughts and feelings. If partners refuse to express their thoughts and feelings, negative communication patters such as blame, criticism, and defensiveness may occur. There is a caveat to expressing strong feelings with your spouse, though. Sometimes individuals are not always in the best state mentally or emotionally to express accurate emotions productively. If you or your spouse is especially hungry, tired, or stressed you may want to put a pin in it and come back to this later.
3. Negotiate with your partner when trying to solve problems.5 Each individual in a relationship brings their own experience, knowledge, and perspective to the table. This diversity is a strength! When financial challenges come, both people’s thoughts can be wonderfully helpful. Partners should suggest solutions and work together to find what will work best for their specific circumstances. Sometimes this could mean choosing one solution proposed by a partner, other times it means adjusting both individuals’ ideas to meet in the middle and find a mutually appropriate solution. Negotiation is a key part of communication that requires each spouse to listen, love, and be open to their significant other.
References:
[1] Prawitz, A. D., Garman, E. T., Sorhaindo, B., O’Neill, B., Kim, J., & Drentea, P. (2006). The incharge financial distress/financial well-being scale: Establishing validity and reliability. Financial Counseling and Planning, 17(1). 34-50. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-11384-002
[2] Papp, L. M., Cummings, E. M., & Goeke-Morey, M. C. (2009). For richer, for poorer: Money as a topic of marital conflict in the home. Family Relations, 58(1). 91-103. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2008.00537.x
[3] Rehman, U. S., & Holtzworth-Munroe, A. (2007). A cross-cultural examination of the relation of marital communication behavior to marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4). 759-763. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.759
[4] Wilmarth, M. J., Nielsen, R. B., & Futris, T. G. (2014). Financial wellness and relationship satisfaction: Does communication mediate? Family and Consumer Science Reaserch Journal, 43(2), 131-144. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcsr.12092
[5] Christensen, A., & Sullaway, M. (1984). Communication Patterns Questionnaire [Database record]. APA PsycTests. https://doi.org/10.1037/t02529-000