Dr. Jeff Dew and colleagues’ article entitled Examining the Relationship Between Financial Issues and Divorce found that financial disagreements predicted divorce more strongly than other common types of disagreements (i.e., household tasks or time spent together).[1] This shows that money can be a real issue in relationships and take a serious toll on marriage. Another study explains that most marriages experience “financial conflict, strain, or stress” to one degree or another. Thus, it is important for couples to learn how to deal with these struggles and manage stress related to finances.[2] Dew and colleagues found that calm communication, overall marital satisfaction, and financial equality were important for a marriage to thrive. By cultivating healthy communication, managing expectations, and working as equal partners, couples can successfully navigate financial difficulties and claim joy in their lives together.
Communication
Effective communication is an essential part of a relationship and discussions about money are no exception. Matthew Saxey, Dr. LeBaron-Black, and colleagues found that overall relationship quality can be improved when couples are comfortable discussing finances.[3] While talking about money is vital, that does not mean it is easy. Communication is a skill that requires practice. As you begin to discuss money in your relationship, you may notice that you and your partner have different views about how money should be used. Disagreements about money within a relationship are not a cause for alarm. However, the approach one takes once these differences are discovered is of vital importance.
John Gottman explains, “the frequency of the conflict is secondary to the way couples fight.”[4] What really matters is how couples choose to approach differences and work through conflict. As couples engage in calm discussions instead of heated arguments, they are better able to cultivate a healthier relationship, which can guard against divorce.1 Learning to communicate calmly takes practice, but as you work to lower communication intensity, you can foster an environment of honesty, clarity, and understanding.
Managing Expectations
Couples’ level of marital satisfaction is connected to their likelihood of divorce.1 Dew and colleagues’ study found financial disagreements led to reduced marital satisfaction, which increased the risk of divorce.1 When partners feel their expectations within a marriage are being met, they are generally satisfied within their relationship, thus “meeting expectations is a key determinant of whether couples will remain married.”1 Financial expectations must be managed in a relationship in order to cultivate a setting where both partners feel satisfied.
Equal Partnership
One final finding of Dew’s study is that financial disagreements often arise because of perceived financial inequity. When couples perceive that money is being handled unfairly in the relationship, conflict may arise and lead couples toward divorce.1 Feelings of unfairness can be eliminated as couples work towards creating a truly equal partnership. An important aspect of finding a healthy balance in merging two lives includes talking about what money means to you. Dew and colleagues wrote: “Individuals associate money with powerful meanings and emotions.”1 You and your partner are likely to feel differently at times about how money should be spent. Talking through feelings and identifying personal values will increase understanding and equality within the relationship. It is also important that both partners’ feelings and values are equally prioritized in the relationship and in decision making.
Takeaways
- Communicate Calmly. Remember the way you talk to one another matters. Strive for calm discussions instead of heated arguments. Consider setting aside time for financial discussions, as well as creating safe spaces where financial discussions do not occur (like during a weekly date) to give each other a break and prevent constant stress. If talking about money seems too hard right now, focus on sharing honest thoughts and feelings with your spouse related to other topics.
- Manage Expectations. To start off, identify your personal expectations for marriage—relationally and financially. How do you feel money should be used? What are some of your own relational and financial goals? Discuss these thoughts with your partner and talk through your differences. As you discuss these expectations with each other, you can practice compromising and be willing to sacrifice for your spouse and relationship. As you do so, focus on bringing your best to the relationship.
- Strive for Equal Partnership. Work on becoming one as a partnership. Decide together how to spend money and establish joint financial goals. You and your partner may consider combining finances. As you work to create an equal partnership within your marriage, begin to shift your mindset from “me” to “we.”
You can create a happy and fulfilling marital relationship despite financial difficulties. Money does not have to doom your relationship for divorce. Talk calmly and work together—you can do it!
References:
[1] Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 61-628. doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x
[2] Dew, J. P., LeBaron, A. B., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Can stress build relationships? Predictors of increased marital commitment resulting from the 2007–2009 recession. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 39(3), 405–421. doi.org/10.1007/s10834-018-9566-7
[3] Saxey, M. T., LeBaron-Black, A. B., & Curran, M. A. (2022). The Sooner, the Better? Couples' First Financial Discussion, Relationship Quality, and Financial Conflict in Emerging Adulthood. Journal of Financial Therapy, 13(1) 2. doi.org/10.4148/1944-9771.1299
[4] Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.