Many people of Abrahamic religions believe that God loves all His children through His forgiving nature. Belief and trust in God, found across many religions, can influence peoples’ attitudes toward and experiences with forgiveness. Forgiveness is not always easy and may be a difficult process to go through – whether it be you forgiving others or others forgiving you. But it certainly seemed to be common across the religions that were included in a 2022 study led by Justin Hendricks and colleagues on forgiveness.[1] The research explored how religious beliefs about forgiveness were applied in families of faith.
Hendricks’ study consisted of faithful couples whose beliefs (for example, that they are responsible to God for how they treat their spouse) and spiritual actions (for example, prayer for their child) were closely tied to their relationships. Participants believed that God had given them a family, so their family was crucial—more important than it would have been without a mandate from God. That mandate included a high standard of conduct within their family, expecting efforts toward peace and unity, and so they strove more to reach such ideals. In essence, the high priority the participants placed on religion and religious beliefs about the family transferred to their familial relationships, an umbrella which included spousal and parental relationships. But with high aspirations like perpetual harmony in the home, at times failure is to be expected—and that is where forgiveness comes into play. Participants believed that God gave them a way to give and receive forgiveness, and even that He would help them in their own journey to forgive. Henricks found several main themes regarding faith, relationships, and forgiveness in the interviews.
Theme 1: The Why of Forgiveness
Much of the participants’ motivation behind extending forgiveness was based in their beliefs. The participants’ desire to resolve conflicts in their relationships increased because of the high value they placed on those relationships, amplified by faith. As you read the following list of reasons to forgive that participants referenced, notice any that you share: commitment to the relationship, desire to resolve conflicts, God’s expectation that you forgive in your family, and God’s forgiveness of you personally. In fact, divine forgiveness – the experience of God forgiving you personally – was an especially strong motivation for forgiving others. Have you had an experience with divine forgiveness? If so, how do you think it has impacted your willingness or ability to forgive others?
Theme 2: Having Forgiven
Even once you know your reason to forgive, it can be hard to go through the process. The condition of already having forgiven someone was referred to in the research as state forgiveness. Participants shared various religious practices that contributed to state forgiveness, including “praying for forgiveness, confessing to a priest, and participating in worship services.”1 But they also used helpful approaches such as “taking time off to ‘blow off steam’ and resolving small conflicts immediately.”1 Thus, they used both religious and practical relationship skills in tandem. What practices and approaches do you use to forgive your family?
Theme 3: Forgivingness
The next theme addressed in Hendricks’ study was about trait forgiveness. In contrast to state forgiveness, trait forgiveness is the disposition to forgive. It was referred to as a virtue like patience, love, and commitment. Forgiveness developed like other virtues—because it was contrary to participants’ natural reactions and desires, it took time and effort for them to develop this trait. Focusing on their motivations (see Theme 1) helped them to overcome tendencies to hold a grudge or blame a family member. Their religious motivations played a great role in the participants’ willingness to forgive and sustained efforts to do so.
The Double-Edged Sword of Forgiveness
We talk a lot about forgiveness as a great thing, and there are some demonstrated benefits such as repairing relationships[2] and enriching them.[3] In addition, children tend to model parent behavior and so may be more likely to forgive if they witness their parents engage in the process. However, in some situations, some aspects of forgiveness are less helpful. For example, forgiveness can lead to problems in situations where any type of harm (e.g., physical, emotional, verbal) is consistently repeated.[4] In these situations, forgiveness and letting things go back to normal can actually perpetrate further violence in the relationship when no long-term change accompanies the forgiveness.[5] Forgiveness in your heart can still be helpful and healing, but continued interaction with an abuser is not. If you or someone you love is stuck in a relationship with any kind of repeated harm, please get help from a professional. Some negative processes are very entrenched, and some cycles of forgiveness are not helpful. To seek out professional help, you could look at https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/Directories/Find_a_Therapist.aspx to find a therapist, or call a hotline if in danger. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is the national domestic violence hotline number. https://www.thehotline.org/about/ provides domestic violence resources, including an online chat.
Another caveat to forgiveness is that people are not always ready (or willing) to forgive. Forgiveness is a process, and that implies that people can be at different points along the path. While one person could have made the decision to forgive, another might be praying for willingness to make that same choice, or they may not be willing to contemplate the possibility yet. Be patient with yourself and others as the path to forgiveness is not always linear.
Takeaways
· Explore your beliefs about forgiveness. Although throughout the article participants’ beliefs are presented as unified, all participants did not believe exactly the same. They are real people, just like you and your family. Your beliefs about forgiveness will probably be different than others in your family, which may impact your relationships. It could be useful to acknowledge any gaps between your beliefs and expectations about forgiveness and theirs. Thus, when you explore the convictions you hold about forgiveness, you will be in a more informed position to work with God, yourself, and other family members as you strive to forgive and be forgiven. Also explore your family members’ and, if applicable, spouse’s beliefs about forgiveness. The more you understand each other, the easier it is to extend grace to each other.
To explore your beliefs, you might find it helpful to ponder questions such as the following. As you do so, draw from your gut reaction. How do you expect yourself to forgive others? How do you expect others to forgive you? How does God forgive?
· Combine relational skills and religious practices. Recall that participants in Henricks’ study specifically mentioned “praying for forgiveness, confessing to a priest, and participating in worship services... taking time off to ‘blow off steam’ and resolving small conflicts immediately.”1 Helpful skills could also include taking communion, developing gratitude for a specific family member, and communication skills. What place do religious practices hold in your forgiveness process? What place do relational skills hold? Where do you feel you can improve?
· Set goals and practice. Set goals for skills or habits you want to improve related to forgiveness, keeping in mind that smaller goals may be more manageable than bigger ones at first, such as “I will remind myself of my partner’s patience with my work drama the next time he makes a comment about the living room.” Or it may look like “This week, I will pray every night and ask for the desire to forgive my mother.” That may be easier than “I will forgive my partner immediately after he makes a comment about the living room” or “I will pray for the desire to forgive my mother until it comes.” One clear, time-bound, actionable step works well.
Then, when she leaves dirty clothes on the floor or he buys an expensive new couch without warning, the moment has arrived. When faced with opportunities to practice, engage them head-on, whether you feel capable or not. You may believe that God will help you in this process, especially as you seek His aid. And remember, the virtue of forgiveness takes time and effort to improve, so try to be gentle with yourself—and consistent.
All in all, though prudence should guide the decision to forgive, for many people, so does faith. Forgiveness and faith are deeply entwined, and they can support each other, as Hendricks’ study shows. Having taken a bit of time to look over this article, hopefully you can take something away to improve your ability to forgive.
Resources for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1993/10/divine-forgiveness?lang=eng
The Divine Gift of Forgiveness by Neil L. Anderson (Andersen, N. L. (2019). The divine gift of forgiveness. Deseret Book.)
References:
[1]Hendricks, J. J., Chelladurai, J. M., Marks, L. D., Dollahite, D. C., Kelley, H. H., & Rose, A. H. (2023). Exploring personal and relational motivations and processes of forgiveness in religious families. Family Relations, 72(3), 1014-1031. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12733
[2]Rusbult, C. E., Hannon, P. A., Stocker, S. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2005). Forgiveness and relational repair. In E. L. Worthington (Ed.), Handbook of forgiveness (pp. 185–206). Brunner–Routledge.
[3]Worthington, E. L., Jr., Berry, J. W., Hook, J. N., Davis, D. E., Scherer, M., Griffin, B. J., … Campana, K. L. (2015). Forgiveness-reconciliation and communication-conflict-resolution interventions versus retested controls in early married couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(1), 14–27. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000045
[4]Maltby, J., Macaskill, A., & Gillett, R. (2007). The cognitive nature of forgiveness: Using cognitive strategies of primary appraisal and coping to describe the process of forgiving. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 63(6), 555–566. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20367
[5]Zrihan Weitzman, A., & Buchbinder, E. (2021). Intimate partner violence forgiveness dynamics in the context of men's positions as victims and perpetrators: A dyadic perspective. Journal of Family Issues, 42(7), 1607–1630. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X209463