The meaning and function of marriage in society has shifted in recent years. What used to be done for the purpose of childbearing and/or creating social and political ties binding two families together is now commonly done for the sake of romance and emotional connection. People are searching not only for a spouse, but for a soulmate—someone who can support their physical, temporal, and emotional needs.[1] Even though this shift has occurred, many couples still choose to expand their family by having children, yet little know of the impact this can have on their marriage. The choice to bear children can come with a significant decrease in marital satisfaction for new mothers.1, [2]
Many studies have made an effort to explain the reasoning behind this decreased satisfaction in new mothers.1, [3] Dr. Jeff Dew and Dr. W. Bradford Wilcox[4] describe two potential reasons for this decrease. First, the introduction of a newborn significantly decreases the quality time spouses are able to spend together, and second, new parents often experience shifts in responsibilities, leading mothers to develop perceptions of unfairness in the division of household duties.
Contemporary marriages have placed a significant importance on the emotional implications of marriage for both husbands and wives. Individuals expect to marry someone with whom they can share a deep and emotional connection. To forge and maintain this bond, partners must spend a significant amount of quality time together. However, the addition of a newborn can cut into that time. More time spent caring for the baby can mean less time spent with your spouse, which ultimately can cause the original emotional expectations of marriage to remain unfulfilled through no fault of either spouse.
A new child being introduced into the family means more household duties and caregiving responsibilities for parents, and sometimes also more financial resources needed. Some couples choose to respond to these new needs by shifting their division of labor to align more along traditional gender roles, with husbands working more outside the home to provide financially for a family, and wives spending more time at home doing household chores and caring for the infant.4, [5] Although not the focus of this paper, 7% of fathers choose to be stay-at-home dads.[6] In the majority of couples (60%), both spouses continue to work outside the home.[7] Even though many mothers continue to work outside the home (often the same amount of hours), most mothers take on the bulk of the increased household and caregiving duties.[8] There’s even a social science term for this: mothers complete their work shift and then come home to “the second shift.” This change in the division of labor post-birth often results in working mothers feeling like their load in the marriage is unfair.[9] This is potentially harmful because of the negative effect it can have on their marital satisfaction.
Although the marital satisfaction of new mothers tends to decrease, this is not a doomsday message for any woman wanting a future family and a happy marriage. There are many things that spouses can do to maintain and even increase marital satisfaction, even with the introduction of a newborn![10] Here are some research-based ideas:
Takeaways
1. Continue to nurture your marriage. While marriage creates a union, each partner is still an individual with their own experiences, responsibilities, and emotions. Adding a new baby to a family naturally adds more to a husband and wife’s long list of responsibilities. If couples aren’t careful, the increased stress and busyness can keep them from connecting with each other. When both partners continue to think about, learn about, and prioritize each other, they may be more attentive to each other’s needs, stabilizing and even increasing how satisfied a new mother becomes with her marriage.10 You can be involved by talking about what is going on at work or at home with your spouse, or by asking them questions about their day or week. But most importantly, you can show love to your partner by really listening.
2. Adjust expectations when expecting, and intentionally create a fair division of labor together. The addition of a child into a family introduces many demands for both parents. Many fathers work more to provide for the family financially, and household duties increase as well. Oftentimes mothers are the ones to take on the extra household duties. For mothers who also work outside the home, the sole responsibility for the household duties is likely an unfair load. Dual-earner couples should adjust their expectations and schedules to create a good balance. They should allow for paid and unpaid work to get done equitably without one partner being overburdened, while still carving out some quality time to spend with one another. For many couples, this likely means fathers should take on more of the household duties to balance the load. By preparing for the potential changes in the transition to parenthood and adjusting expectations, marital satisfaction can be greater.[11] So, with your spouse, have open and honest conversations about how your home and work life may change post-birth and make a realistic plan to adjust to changes that is fair and respectful to both spouses. Do not let your expectations become too rigid though, as life often changes in unexpected ways, and you cannot always predict the reality of your future. Conversations around the division of labor should be ongoing as your situation and feelings and needs change.
3. Look for the good in each other. Perspective, in general, has an enormous effect on how we interact with and feel about one another. A negative perspective of one’s marriage before a newborn arrives can significantly impact the marital satisfaction of mothers after the baby is born. This is most true when a husband has a negative perspective of their spouse and marriage.4 It is not easy to change perspectives in a single day or even a week—it can take a lot of effort and time. But when you look for the good, you can find the good in anyone and in any situation (although in extreme situations, such as when there is abuse, separation is likely a healthier approach). Some ways to look for the good may be to acknowledge and counter every negative thought about your spouse or marriage with more than one positive thought. This doesn’t mean that all frustrations should be ignored, and hard conversations should be avoided—hard conversations are a vital part of marriage. That said, another way to look for the good is to choose each morning to try to be positive. And finally, you can practice gratitude and list the things you are grateful for in the good, the bad, and the in between of your family.
References:
[1] Thornton, A., & Young-DeMarco, L. (2001). Four decades of trends in attitudes toward family issues in the United States: The 1960s through the 1990s. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1009–1037. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.01009.x
[2] Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x
[3] Belsky, J., & Rovine, M. (1990). Patterns of marital change across the transition to parenthood: Pregnancy to three years postpartum. Journal of Marriage and Family, 52(1), 5–19. https://doi.org/10.2307/352833
[4] Dew, J., & Wilcox, W. B. (2011). If momma ain’t happy: Explaining declines in marital satisfaction among new mothers. Journal of Marriage and Family, 73(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00782.x
[5] Baxter, J., Hewitt, B., & Haynes, M. (2008). Life Course Transitions and Housework: Marriage, Parenthood, and Time on Housework. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70(2), 259–272. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00479.x
[6] Livingston, G., & Parker, K. (2019, June 12). 8 facts about American dads. Pew Research Center.
[7] U.S. Census Bureau (2021, November 29). Census Bureau releases new estimates on America’s families and living arrangements [press release]. https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2021/families-and-living-arrangements.html
[8] Yavorsky, J. E., Dush, C. M. K., & Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J. (2015). The production of inequality: The gender division of labor across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(3), 662–679. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12189
[9] Hess, C., Ahmed, T., & Hayes, J. (2020). Providing unpaid household and care work in the United States: Uncovering inequality [Policy Brief]. Institute for Women’s Policy Research. https://iwpr.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/IWPR-Providing-Unpaid-Household-and-Care-Work-in-the-United-States-Uncovering-Inequality.pdf
[10] Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.59
[11] Belsky, J. (1985). Exploring individual differences in marital change across the transition to parenthood: The role of violated expectations. Journal of Marriage and Family, 47(4), 1037–1044. https://doi.org/10.2307/352348